Ayannali Blog

Thoughts and ideas and poems and...whatever I chose

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Location: Connecticut, United States

Friday, January 28, 2005

Sitting listening to music

I haven't actually done that in a while...

Usually I turn o the TV and turn on a music station and either veg out or actually get up and dance.
My son finds the latter part of that quite comical....actually so does my sister. hehehe

Plans for the day

Find hotels in the Raleigh/Durham area for Feb
Find hotels in the Orlando area of April
Find hotels in the Newhaven/crawley/Gatwick Airport Area

Check if my hotel in South Dakota has a better rate for a two bedroom suite.

Oh yeah, my friend said she may come with me to South Dakota when i visit in Septmeber. I can say this...if she comes. omg will we have a blast. I mean I am already posed to have a good time regardless...and maybe even get some sleep that week...who knows. I am also going to see if I can swing a Visit the Omaha that week...i think there is a bus so it would be only 8 hours round trip....unkess of course the bus comes in at some ungodly hour....which would comepletely suck.

I also may want to go to Sweden some time this year...I've never been there and there are a few people i want to meet who live there....what part? umm don't really know. but....am willing to find out :)

Time flies when you are planning to have fun ....need to run...

Monday, January 24, 2005


Wow, I got back in on Sunday at about 2:30 pm...but working and trying to get home wore me out so bad...I went to bed LOL.

Really had no energy to stay up, so kinda took a nap and then vegged the rest of the night, oh yeah and made phone calls

about 14 inches of snow dropped in my area....and the wind was wicked!

it's funny, on the way home I ran into an ex on the bus. And we started talking...and I realized why he's my ex. What a pompus jerk! He was like, I never forgot you, you were one of the good ones, I don't know whY I let you go...let me go?? no I left when i found out I was one of 6.
Oh and those girls meant nothing to him, he doesn't remember thier names, but he remember's mine....woo hoo clap clap - wow so glad I was etched in your brain...here's a cookie! Sheesh!

Then, he thought it would be cute to say. When are we going to London?

What? excuse me? did I ask you to come to London with me?? umm NO! I don't think so!
I have only asked 2 ex boyfriends to fly to London with me, and those plans didn't pan out.

Anyway, he wasn't getting the hint that I wasn't impressed with his "reformed" ways. He said he'd call...

I said thank god for caller ID.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Up Early today

Well looks like this one is going to be the real deal.

Blizzard warnings, low end snow predictions or 10 - 15 high end 2 feet.

I remember trying to get through the last time it snowed more than two feet here...it was madness.

I talked to my friend from South Dakota last night...and while I knew he was funny, I didn't realize the slight crazy streak running through his nature.
He went fishing yesterday, now that sounds ok doesn't it.....fishing. A nice hobby and/or past time...BUT IT WAS A BLIZZARD!!! he said he couldn't see his friend who he went with because it was snowing so hard, and the winds were gusting so strong.
I was thinking - you are completely nuts! and I told him...he just laughed and got another beer.

Conversations with him are always....entertaining ...to say the least.

Back to the coming storm.

I shall be working today alot. Giving the nature of my job, there will be cancellations of flights. most likely the airport will close. Sorry, I mean airports as all the airports will likely close in this area.

We are used to cancelled flights due to weather, the month of September had the hurricanes in Florida to endure...that was an amazing 1 month period.
So we are ready....and I most likely won't be back on until Sunday night, maybe Monday.

So for me to you - Stay safe, stay warm, stay dry and see you soon :)

Friday, January 21, 2005


I have been talking alot about snow lately, and that's because it seems to be looming at the moment. I know there are many places across the country that get alot more snow then CT does. Also is a lot colder. So technically it should be a big deal, but when it's time for a big storm to come, everyone around here starts to buzz.

Airlines start making contingency plans for cancellations, Schools start to see if it will effect them, Transportation vehicles get ready to sand, plow and salt the roads... people fly to the grocery stores to stock up just in case they can't dig out.

The funniest part is when the storm .....fizzles. Never materializes....and all those preperations go to waste...(and the kids get a free day off from school).

The upcoming event is said to be 10 - 12 inches. maybe more. There are those who say that this will fizzle as well, some think that this will be another blizzard. Two storm systems meeting together - Kinda like the perfect storm.

We shall wait....

We shall see...

(I shall work to help the stranded passengers :) )

Stay warm everyone :)

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Can't sleep

it's 4:18 am right now...and i can't sleep

I went to bed about 12 pm...but woke up and don't know why.

I know I haven't gotten enough sleep, I'm dragging right now.

Trying to figure out what it is that is on my mind that I need to work out to let me rest.


let me try again....

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


I am learning how to plan my day....
and I noticed that there are some days with....meetings...

planned meetings....meetings that don't happen....impromptu meetings
the all time favorite tounge lashing meeting (yeah I don't get those alot....really heheheh)

then there are the meetings that occur and require your attendance but they have no regard to your schedule.

Case in point...

I have a twice yearly meeting with my son's teachers and resource planners...
resource meaning reading help, occupational therapy for his hands, and psycologist time.

We have these meetings to discuss the plan of what we want him to accomplish and how well he's done meeting previous goals...
now...am I going to say My child is perfect and met every goal...no..because if he did then he wouldn't have needed help in the first place.

Back to the point, the meeting for the last two times it's been scheduled has been for 2:30 in the afternoon. My biggest problem with this (and the meeting coordinator) is the fact that I work afternoons...I work usually 12 - 8, sometimes 11 - 7 rarely 10 -6 and ultra rarely 9 - 5...a meeting at that time would force me to try to take a half day off work...at least....

the last time I had on in the after noon I had to take 5 hours off...
now my work schedule was made so I would have time in the morning to see Kyle off to school and have time to regain some semblence of sanity before work.
Also my cummute time on the bus is about a hour each way...if you take into account lat buses.

What is frustrating to me is that - these facts haven't changed in the whole time Kyle has been at the school. I work afternoons...if I worked 9 - 5 I would have to leave my house at 7 am and wouldn't get home till at least 6 to 6:30.... and I would be exhausted.

Luckily for me, Kyle's teacher and principal have changed the meeting and assure me that the next one will be in the morning - as has been requested all along...

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


A better day....

Woke up to no pain...ok that's exaggerating....considerably less pain.
but the rest did me good, now...I wish it wasn't soo cold, but we deal.

I had someone ask me if the poem I wrote yesterday was me trying to get a real answer from one person. And it's funny, I didn't think of that when I wrote it.
I was more contemplating how it would feel to go back to an ex and ask them how they would handle your love again.

But it wasn't meant as me saying to one person that I love them and I want them back, though reading it I can see where someone would get that.

SO...the answer to that is...No I am not trying to get back with any of my ex's. Hehehe just as a clarification.

oh wow!!
Listening to the weather.....
High of 19
wind chill of -3

What joy this week will be!

Monday, January 17, 2005

Today -

Wow what a day...it started out ok...but

Let's just say, I hate when the chest pains start. I should be laying down now, but I got up to get some medicine, and will get some rest as soon as I write this.

I thought up a new poem, which I actually wrote down during breakfast. There was a program my son was performing at and they provided breakfast.

What would you do?

What would you say
If I said I still loved you?

Would you treat it as a joke
Resond with a laugh and a poke?

What would you do
if I said I still loved you?

Would you recoil and sneer in distain
or simply shake your head?

As time passes, I see the truth
You are still a part of me
I was crazy to think
my love could be shed

So tell me now
the answer to my question

I still love you

What do you say?
What do you do?

Time to sleep now....see you soon

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Started today as any other day
it was cold outside
Nothing planned to do
but to relax and take in
all that was said

Where's a friend when you need one?
Why does time stand still when you want it to fly by?
What purpose are dark thoughts that try to invade your mind?
Who inspired them this time?
When will it be back to the sunshine?

All that was said
running around in my head
Keeping me lying awake in my bed
Trying to keep tears from being shed.

Was that really that long ago?
Am I truly reminiscing on a time permanently in the past?

I work on each day
so that today can be another day
like any other

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Today....was a long day

As I knew it would be.

I had no illusions about today. Working from 9 am until 8 pm is a long day, no matter how you slice it.

It was a good day...

and That will keep me going for the next day. Positive outlooks to start a day are important. I am learning this...(yes I am still learning....amazing huh?)

I had a thought for a poem earlier today, but it flitted away.

it's okay thoough...usually those are the ones that come back to me later on...in a few days.

The sky was grey today,
Rain came down
Cars were honking
People were yelling to add to the sounds.

Time was moving
slow as can be
everything felt easy
like a summerbreeze.

The day itself was not made
by what it was
the day was made
by what was put into it

Hope was put in front of doubt
Strength was put in front of fear
This made the day stand out
more then any I have had in years

Mornings part 3

It's EARLY....

and I have to be at work in 2 hours...meaning I have to make this quick.
Love the bus, oh yes I do! hehehe

and I just realized I have almost nothing to say

Well I have alot, and I will probably have something else to say later - when I really wake.

hmm....when i wake...

Just got an idea...

See ya all soon!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

It's snowing again

Actually this time it's pretty...

Pretty cold!

I must say, today has been a pretty good day. I am doing well..(twinges of chest pains here and there)

But I am generally pretty content right now.

Some of my friends know I went through a very rough spot over the holiday period. But the anxity and the depression have melted away a bit.
Thanks to my friends for really sticking by me.

I heard from a dear friend of mine, who told me he is starting his own business and going back to school. I told him I thought it was great. Which I do...to take that kind of risk, at at a young age,

He said something to me that just put a whole bunch of things in perspective for me. And on the surface, it wasn't very profound. But it had a profound effect.

He said that even though he's busy, and he will be for a while...he said that when he can come online, he would make time for me. That statment was something I realized I had been waiting to hear from someone. Something that I had expected and didn't realize I was expecting it.

So I am in a good place, even if my friend can't spend every minute with me, I know he thinks of me...I really don't ask for much :)

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'm Okay

I heard news today that months ago
would have made me collapse into tears of despair...
but today I'm okay.

I heard things today that months ago
would have had me cursing and fuming mad
but today I'm okay.

What makes today different from months ago?
Time, perspective and maybe seeing things that needed repair

What makes today different from months ago?
Letting go of the feeling that I've been had.

So today I can say

I'm okay

Love Changed

When we were in love nothing could touch us
When we were in love the world seemed to move out of our way
When we were in love we talked and spent hours together
then it seemed the love changed

Then we fought more, and screamed more ....the trust wasn't there
and love changed

We worked to make things right and tried to hold on
We succeeded in a way, still talked through the night

but we had to realize that love changed.

Trust gone.

Where are we now...

Now I try to get your attention, but it's taken away by others
If you tried to get mine, I am distracted by a new lover

So even though this sounds so trite and cliche
Can we try to act like friends?

The love that was there has changed but the love is still there
I have written this to say I will always care

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Better In Beads

Better In Beads

I know My friend Onyx Rose will find this verrrry interesting. :)

A Day Out with the family

This actually should be fun, I bought tickets to one of my Mom's favorite shows. It's touring around the country and only in my town for two days... one being yesterday.

So while my mom and son are at church, I am going to take a very hot shower (helps relieve the chest pains I get sometimes) and then meet them at the mall.
Now I am actually not planning to buy anything for me....yes I said planning....hehehe

Then the Show and then lunch, no wait that would be dinner...whatever LOL

A couple pictures

I want to share a few pictures I have seen...and loved

Crimson oil painting - I wish I remembered the artist

This one I got from one of the 3 d sites I see alot this is Visualparadox... Another good one was digital Blasphemy. :)

Saturday, January 08, 2005


My goodness - how important are they??

Very in my case...

I have found that no matter how down and depressed I feel waking up, that a word from a friend goes along way to lift my spirits.

I have lots of friends online, and most of the time i feel i am bugging the heck out of them...

but they are there...ready to say whatever comes up, and that's great.

I have such a wide variety of friends...

and am greatful for each and everyone of them...

Friday, January 07, 2005

It's hard sometimes

When all of your friends are in a couple.

Most of my friends are married, or at least have a companion. And I am happy for all of them. Just sometimes wish I could find someone who I could be the 2nd half of a couple.

Now granted, my last relationship, I messed up. And that still hurts.

For a time in that relationship, there was just smooth sailing. Maybe because it had a rocky point....but for a while there....Everything meshed, everything was right...

That's what I miss....The sense of - I'm home....The all over happiness at hearing his voice. Hearing him say I love you eternally.

Yes, I still love him.
Always will.
no matter what had happened between us. That one fact will remain.

Do I expect to ever be with him again...

Well ....I've learned to drop expectations.

In my heart, one day, I hope we can rekindle what we had. If it happens, that would be great. When it doesn't...I'll still have my memories.

Thursday, January 06, 2005


I like snow - really

I love fluffy snow...

I even like ice

an ice storm is beautiful...the day after. When the sun is shining.

Today is a grey day...a snow, ice, sleet, rain day. Which means it's down right ugly.

(and I had to entertain my son for an addtional 90 minutes due to a school delay)

Convincing my son that it's not really normal to go out in a tee shirt and cords wearing snow boots was a bit of a chore. BUT - I got it done and he happily went to the bus - hopefully wearing another shirt and more importantly A COAT!!!!

oh yeah


I like it - mostly

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


I have found that expectations have a way of letting you down.

I expected to have my boss say that I was going to a training class in April. What he said was ..."I'll see if we can get you in this training class in February."

Hey I shouldn't be upset...I mean I want to go to training, only way to keep sharp is to learn the newest techniques. So I am hopeful I can go. Just don't expect it.

I expected to share my holidays with others...and in a way i did, but I know there was somthing missing. I was "alone in a crowd". people were around me but I still felt cold, alone....I am hoping recent changes that I have made in my life will make it seem brighter. just don't expect it.

Expecting is like saying it's going to happen, and being let down when it doesn't.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Things I See

Just sitting and thinking about how things are and how things could be.
I think of my life and see - people who have impacted it.
I think of teachers who gave me small lessons of strength, even though I was too young to understand.
I think of those I called friends who made me see what a true friend is.

I think of loves that I thought were true - were strong. To see that some were weak and tarnished at best.
I think of family that should be happy and carefree, only are scared, lonley and depressed.

I think of my life now - and people who are in it.
I think of those I cherish and those I can do without.

There are so many thoughts swirling in my head these days.

I think I don't handle change well, even the hint of it. Even when I am the catalyst for the change.
I think of those whom i did not know only months ago, who are now part of me in ways I can't describe.

I think of future dealings with some, future meetings with some....getting together with some...

Becoming one with one...

Then I think ...it's a nice dream to have

Dreams give you something to reach for, when reality tells you there is nothing left.

In the end....

There will be me .... with nothing left.


I figured out how to do links!!

Major accomplishment for me!

Thanks to my friend who helped me - she was sitting in Canada, probably trying not to laugh at me as it took me almost an hour to figure it out. hehehe

the good news is, I linked her web page and I have linked her blog here

I wonder if I can download smiles LOL

Sunday, January 02, 2005

So shoot me already

I mean seriously.

I wake up in an all time evil mood, horrible night , couldn't get comfortable...My feet stayed cold for goodness sakes!

yesterday wasn't that great either...I mean I couldn't get out of my bad mood. And it's not good that a word from someone can piss me off as bad as it did. But that's what happened. And in my bad mood, I made bad choices and pissed off a friend....Yeah I know...very smooth ...Not!

So next time I see my friend I get to apologize for being the rude and obnoxious witch I acted like.

maybe I can get hit by lightning *shrug*

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Mornings part 2

I went out last night after work and rang in the New Year with friends. It was nice...

but I think I am catching a cold, my throat hurts. But I shall endeavor to persevere. 8 hours of work today and then two days off :)